Thoughts

It amazes me that even when I don’t feel You here, You are indeed here.  And although I don’t really know it at the time, when I look back, I see Your fingerprints in all that happened.  I guess it is good to know that You are such a part of me that I can’t escape You…You are always right here beside me.  I think sometimes You just long to teach me that You are not a feeling.  Feelings come and go and change all the times in between.  You, however, are the same yesterday, today, and forever…and just the fact that You are always here proves that.  Abba, I see two choices in front of me.  One says, “I can’t feel You, You aren’t really there.”  The other says, “I can’t feel You, I’m not sure you are really there, but I choose to love and follow You anyway.”  I need to be willing to follow You with a blind faith sometimes…when I can’t feel You, that is almost as blind faith to me.  You made me this woman…this woman who needs to feel something to really feel loved…but You also developed my thresholds.  You know better than anyone, including myself, what I can handle and what I can’t handle.  I have set for myself a set of boundaries where You are concerned.  But You desire to live beyond those boundaries…because those boundaries are only what I can see and feel comfortable with.  You are constantly stretching out of them and bending them, and in general, just annihilating them.  That, to me, is a very scary thing because then I am put in situations where I don’t know what is going to happen…I can’t predict anything anymore.  So again, I am faced with two choices…do I run from that stretching and put You back into Your boundaries set by me?  Or do I free fall into Your arms and trust that You know what You are doing by going beyond my human-set boundaries?  Abba, there is no fear in love…You are love…there is no fear in You.  So why am I so afraid?  How do I get to that point of reckless abandonment?  It’s kind of funny, I can’t really use the analogy of jumping off the top of a mountain into Your arms, because that’s not when it’s so hard to jump.    It’s hardest to jump when I am in the middle of the mountain and can’t even see the top…when I’m in the tangle of trees and trudging through snow as deep as I am tall…that’s when it’s hard to jump. 

Abba, I want to be like that little girl today.  She was up on the stage, mimicking her daddy’s movements.  Rather than looking out to the crowd that was watching her, she was focused upward on her daddy.  It was clear that she knew part of the routine a little better than the rest.  However, there were parts that were really tricky and I could just see the concentration going on in her precious little mind.  Though her movements weren’t always perfect or as graceful, she didn’t give up, she kept on going…and when her daddy took her hand at the end of the song, it was clear that he was proud of her for trying.  That’s exactly how it is with You.  Here I am, looking up to You, trying to mimic what I see You doing…but my actions are never perfect or as graceful as Yours…however, one day You are going to come back and take my hand and I am going to know You love me anyway.  But Abba, sometimes I get afraid of the crowd that is watching me.  I’m afraid that they will see my mistakes and then think that You are not someone they will want to follow…but instead, they will look elsewhere to try to follow their actions.  Abba, please let them see the concentration going on in my mind as I try to follow You and just know that I am trying, but will never get it completely right.  Abba, You don’t require that I get it right, You only require that I try.