I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love,
To give and die

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise

Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay

It frightens me the depth of hideousness that can be found in my heart. In those moments of realization all I can say to the God who confronts me is, "Really, are You sure you want me...even with all this?" And I am absolutely floored when He reminds me that I am covered by His grace.

Conflict in life in inevitable. As are people who thrive in getting under your skin. But God takes things like that and uses them as refining fires...or reflecting pools as it is in my case. After the flood of angry emotions, the water calms and I see my heart in the matter and become deeply convicted of where I am at fault. However, my mind will continue to hurl rocks and disturb the peacefulness, so I have to string boulders to the thoughts and let them drown in God's presence. The problem is, capturing those thoughts, as one author puts it, is like trying to package an octopus. Just when I think I've got it under control, another arm pops out.

I will never claim to be a perfect person...I struggle to love and serve the ones I despise, though I know I am called to it. My pride blinds me and my wings melt in the sun as I fly too high. Lord, take my world apart.