This week of class has found me wading through a lot of old thoughts and feelings from a very difficult time in my life that on many levels, I am still working through. But today as I sat in class listening to heartbreaking story after story of what people have gone through in life, I realized something...even in the midst of my darkest hour, God was walking with me through those who were around me. Many people don't have the kind of friends who will just sit with you while you cry and not say anything...but just sit and be there. Many people don't have the kind of friends who will let you grieve how you need to grieve and not try to hurry you. Many people don't have the type of friends who recognize that there is a time for laughter and a time for tears and act accordingly. Many people don't have the type of friends who won't give you useless cliches or tell you to have more faith. But I do.

As I have processed and learned things this week in my class, I recognize that I would be a lot less further along had I not had these types of friends around me. They are to me an image of grace. And though I have always been thankful for them, I have never been more so than today when I heard just how many people did not have these type of people in their lives. This picture above represents to me those people who walked with me through that time in my life and who are still today people whom I treasure with my whole heart. There are others, but these were there and have continued to be there through it all.

One of the profs today said the following quote and I think we would all do well to take it to heart as those around us grieve various types of losses...I know to me, it was the most important thing anyone did:

"You will never outgrow the ministry of presence...just being with people and grieving with them."

I'm taking a class on counseling for grief and loss this week. It isn't the most uplifting class, but it is great...and really makes me consider life and the various losses therein. There have been many, some big and some small. Everyone has them, even if they don't think they do, they are there and they need to be grieved in some way.

In thinking on my own life, the last 4 years have brought many losses...some of which I have dealt with extensively and others which I still have not. One thing my prof has said and the books have backed up is that grief is never completely over. I have come to realize that it is like trying to package an octopus...just when you think you've got it dealt with and neatly put away, something pops out again.

But of everything that has been shared and said in class...this has hit me the hardest:

"Life may never be the same, but it can be good."

Praise God for that truth. Sometimes it takes awhile to see, but it is certainly true if you choose it.

Dinner with the D's...my Senegalese family in Cola. :)


Mafe...doesn't look appetizing, but wow, it was delicious!
And followed by games and eating "dirt". :)

Then the boys had a race (5K) this morning at some ungodly hour.
I don't think anyone was more surprised than me that I got out of bed for it!
Aren't they cute boys?


J finishing his race...he placed third in his age bracket!!
We were all proud of him!


Then we went out for breakfast...
Fun times.
It's nice to have "family" away from family. :)

It is a sunny, warm day here.
A perfect random beach day.
If I could be anywhere in the world.
This is where I would go...

Utter perfection on earth.
The sand.
The water.
The Senegalese Coke.
The Nigerian guys playing soccer.
The beach.
ah....lovely.

It never ceases to amaze me how experiences in the past can reflect on and impact experiences today...in small and big ways. For instance, on Sunday I woke up and would have given both my right and left arm for a baguette from Tapha's stand in Dakar along with a Senegalese Coke. Monday I was feeling "homesick" for Africa and wore one of my sarongs from there. Wednesday I heard from a dear friend of mine in Tanzania that made me long for that place and then last night I was out in the country and looked up, remembering a village in Uganda where I learned just how many stars God really did put in the sky. Today a friend sent me a video taken in Uganda of a praise time. And tomorrow I am going to my friends' house to have mafe with them (a dish found both in East and West Africa). I guess you might say I have Africa on the brain lately...as I wait for God to show me where He wants me in this world, I continue to dream about her and pray for her people...her beautiful people who live in such darkness.

God is teaching me about being content where I am...and I've learned that no matter where I am, I will always miss the place where I am not...so all I can say to these things is that Heaven is going to be amazing. A place where it will all be brought together...at last. :)

"Risk - noun - exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance"

Risks are, by nature, a wee bit scary for the average person. Some things are more risky for one person than for another. For some, riding a motorcycle is a risk. For others, talking to an insanely beautiful person is a risk. For yet others, walking out their front door is a risk. It depends on the person.

Last night I took a risk that I haven't taken in some time. We might say that through events in life, I have become a little "gun shy" when it comes to particular risks. However, thanks to the kick in the pants from a dear friend of mine who refused to talk to me anymore until I did it, I did it.

And you know what? It was a wonderful experience.

By the end of the evening, I was walking on cloud nine thanking my friend for making me do what I wanted to do, but didn't have enough guts to do. And if you want to know what it is I did...too bad. :) Some things aren't meant to share with the world! :) But I was excited about it, even if it wasn't a big deal to other people...it was a milestone for me. It gave me a smile that lasted the night and through the whole day today. :)

I'm not going to lie. I had a really bad first half of my weekend. I wish I could say it was one thing, but as the old saying goes; when it rains, it pours. Even when I woke up this morning, things were not looking up...but then God started talking...or perhaps I started listening. And I have had challenge after challenge placed in front of me today.

Challenge #1: Though we live in an I-culture (instant-culture), there is no such thing as I-faith. Simply put, faith takes time to grow and the majority of that growth occurs through adversity. Like it or not, those are the cold hard facts. However, in this life of faith, there are chrysalis moments (yes, remember back to 3rd grade science and butterflies!)...moments where we struggle through difficult times in order for God to build us up in our faith (strength) so that we can break through and live free.

Challenge #2: What am I doing that if I weren't here, wouldn't get done? Thinking in terms of impacting lives...yeah, that was a humbling one for me. God has called me to a life of loving Him first and foremost...but out of that love for Him, a life of loving and giving my life to others. I don't like my answer to that question right now...

Challenge #3: God owns everything I have. These things I have, they aren't mine and I can't hold onto them as if they are...I don't like the materialism found in the States, but I know I fall into that trap from time to time as well. "Scripture says, 'Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle.' (Proverbs 23:5). What a picture. Next time you buy a prized possession, imagine it sprouting wings and flying off. Sooner or later, it will disappear." (The Treasure Principle by Randy Alcorn)

So with those three challenges in my day, it causes me to ponder and to recognize areas of short-comings in my life that I can get off my bum and change. Thank God for new days and His mercies therein. :) Grace all.

I'm done with the semester.
As of 10 minutes ago.

Praise God...it's been a tough one!

Going home to sleep now...

By all rights, I should be feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed at this point.

But I'm not.
All I can say is that I am being overwhelmed by the peace of God.
I no longer have a job.
I have two finals and a lot of reading to do in the next 12 hours.
I am sleep deprived.
But the stress of the days has faded...
Into the loving embrace of my Abba.
How sweet the surrender.

Tonight I stepped outside and breathed deeply.
The scent of the outdoors after a gentle spring rain.
And the soothing sounds of the evening.
It was beautiful.
As if God were whispering His love to this one who desperately needs it...

At last it has arrived.
My final finals week...
Probably ever.
Unless God has some unknown plan (unknown to me!) of me getting a doctorate.
I hope not, though.

Three tests to go.
A serious amount of memorizing to do.
And on Friday...some serious sleeping will be happening!

It's hard to get too excited since I have 2 classes left over the summer.
But at the same time, I'm excited.
It's hot here...
And that begs for play time outside in the sunshine.
Time which I will have over the next two months.

3 tests...and two classes this summer...
Iowa...I'm coming home soon! :)
Praise God for that...I didn't know if I would ever return.
Even if only for a relatively short time. :)

So we had Bekah's bridal shower this past weekend...it was terribly un-bridal showerish...but a lot of fun. :) We went with a Mexican theme...hence the sombrero and super yummy Mexican food...and no, there are no "questionable" pics here...I was strictly told that was not allowed (to which I readily agreed!)...enjoy. :)

Getting the house prettied up...we made Steph climb on the table since she is of "near midget proportions" :)

Deep thinkers.
So I'm not really sure what this part of the party was all about...but it was fun. :)

Scary teacher look.

Sad. :(

Suprise!!

Fish faces were appropriate...soon she will be Bekah Fisher!

Bekah's effect on her mom. :)

Bekah and her mom. :)

Our small bridal shower. :)

The old House 17 pose. :)

I wish I had the gift of words.
I wish I could paint you a picture.
Of all that is in my heart.

I stood outside tonight for a good while.
I looked and found the big dipper.
A comfort to me.
And I longed to walk with someone in the cool of the evening.
To take in the melodies of the night.
To catch the scents of summer's arrival.
To laugh together at life.
But none was to be found.

I looked around and it was just me.
Maybe someday someone will want to walk with me.
But this is not that time.

They say to be content where you are.
I am trying.
I do well most days.
But on a beautiful evening...or after 4 of them in a row...
It gets tough.
This is not how I thought life would be.
But this is what it is.
So much to be thankful for.
I have no right to be sad.

Some dreams are just dreams.

Maybe going home will be a salve to my soul.
Amongst familiar people and places.
Scents that put me at ease.
Sounds that make me smile.

Feeding the ducks.
Sitting out at the dam.
Walking around the river.
Taking in the sun in the canoe in the middle of the lake.
Going shooting.
Fishing when I walk out my back door.
Getting lost on the gravel roads.
Sitting in the middle of a hayfield gazing at the stars.

Home is home for a reason.
That dream will come true...
Just two more months.

Images of Home...

This post is not for the weak of stomach. :) If you read yesterday's post...you will recognize the poor creature that Bekah is holding as "Stew". So last night at about 11:30, I told Bekah to go check the trap (I had been waiting all day for her to see it and she didn't!)...so she did and whereas I thought for sure there would be an outcry of joy, instead there was a moment of sadness as she realized what had happened with the trap. It killed him...in kind of harsh way. :) So, where as we are not animal rights wacko's or anything like that, what do you think about these traps? I mean, we both were glad that Stew was no longer a threat to us...but at the same time were sad because of the way he died.

So...is this kind of death just or unjust...let us know what you think. :)

Poor Stew.

Some updates for you...

JACK IS BACK! Yes, today was a good day...I went to the body shop to pick Jack up and the nice (looking!) man behind the counter went and got him for me and drove him around front. I was so very excited when I got in and started driving...I could see everything again and I smiled the whole way home. :)

STEW IS DEAD. Yes, it's true. Bekah killed him sometime over the last 24 hours. Today I came home and about jumped out of my skin when I saw his little tail sticking out from the space between the fridge and the cabinets...then I looked a little closer and realized that he was in fact dead. So, since I want Bekah to be able to bask in her glorious defeat of Stew, I left him there for her to deal with. Poor little mouse...it seems such a cruel way to go...you think you are just getting a free meal and WHACK, all the sudden you are dead.

Today was Mon Amie's bday.
And we were each given new names...which we had to call each other by...
And if we messed up, we had to answer a personal question of sorts.
So here is the group...(real names in parenthesis):

Gladys (Karin), Dexter (Bekah), Beatrice (Tom), Luhfonda (Eric), Tamika (Amy),
Gaylord (RJ), Ruper (Sara-Elizabeth), Eugene (me)

The birthday girl got almost all the candles...
but hey, its her bday, she gets all the tries she needs. :)

Explanation: This was set up to be a sweet pic.
Then I said "Bekah" (as opposed to Dexter) and Bekah is the one who caught it.
So I took a pic. :)

Tamika, Gladys, and Dexter

Luhfonda, Beatrice (Aunt B), and Gaylord.

Next to be married...Bekah and Eric. :)

I told them to act like they like each other...
I don't think they are acting. :)

The four of us ladies...Bekah, Mon Amie, Karin, and me.

It's not even finals week and things are nuts...so I apologize for my lack of updates recently and coming up. :) One paper down and three to go before Wednesday. Giddy up.

Oh, one exciting thing...we found a mouse in our house last night which I affectionately named "Stewart"...I know, not the most original...but he was cute (note: I did NOT say that I would touch him or anything of the sort, he just LOOKS cute...from a distance!). I tried to catch him, but told Bekah I refuse to kill him. Anyhow, Bekah gave me an ultimatum...if I don't kill him, she will not kill anymore cockroaches for me. This is a tough one...she is playing on my worst fear!

I'm sure this will be a continued story when we see Stew again. :)

“There’s no place like home…”

Three months. That’s it. In three months, I will be packing up the life I have known here in Cola for these past two years and will be returning to a place that I have called home for a good many years. There were times when it felt like home…but then there were times when it did not. But I have determined in the past month that it is hard for it not to feel like “home” when everyone you love from there is telling you, “I’m so glad you are coming back here!” I always try to tell those I love that I love them. I always try to let people know that I am glad that they are in my life. But to be on the receiving end of this is a whole different ball game. I’m sure some people mean it more than others. But the fact remains that some of them really mean it…and that feels better than just about anything in the world.

I went home this past weekend for the wedding of a friend as well as for some quality family time. The highlights? Here are just a few: Seeing Crazy Aunt Mary and finding that she hasn’t changed all that much…which I love. Hugging my niece. Shopping with my mom. Wrestling with my dad. Dancing with my friend Lucas because he was my “spouse” for the evening. Holding my friend Tracy’s 4-year old for most of the night. Putting on make-up with my friend Brina. Sitting next to my long(est) time friend, Kev, and realizing how wonderful I think she is. Seeing my friend Jerry finally get hitched. Talking with Ben and discovering that he’s just as fun as he ever was. And holding Micah’s beer while he reinacted Chris Farley’s hair craze (both of which are entirely out of the ordinary!). Hanging out with my other family, the Russell’s and making little Kathryn laugh. Watching a movie with Crazy Aunt Mary and ordering way too much pizza. Taking a walk at Sugarbottom with Brenna…my favorite place and person. And getting hugs from each and every one of these people and more.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold."

-LOTR

This is a quote that I used when I was in Senegal and I no longer knew what “home” was and I was in a lot of pain. I still get confused…but as I consider this move, many thoughts come to mind. I’ve changed quite a bit from when I left four years ago. Everyone else has also changed. I can’t go back to the old life I have there because the only place it exists is in my mind. But the beauty of life and friends who love you no matter what is that a new place can be made. Sure, it will take time and patience…but these are the people who have been with me for a majority of my life and whose love runs as deeply as mine. We speak the same language, regardless of how long it’s been since we really talked. So where as I can’t pick up the threads to an old life in Iowa…God will weave new ones into this ever growing tapestry called my life…and for that, I am really excited.

I love all of you guys so much. Thanks for everything these last 17+ years.