That is about the state of my mind right now. Spinning. Wondering what I have gotten myself into. But trusting that the decision I made was the right one. So today I signed a contract with the understanding that I may very well break this contract come December if this full time teacher and full time student thing just doesn't work out. The moment I signed the papers a sinking feeling overwhelmed me and I seriouly considered ripping them up, but alas, self-control took over and I told my heart to simply trust that this is the way God has led. And if He leads me to it, He will lead me through it. It may not be pretty, but it will bring Him glory in some unforeseen way and for that I praise Him.

So after a lovely evening in the library, I need to get home and to bed. Thanks for your many prayers...there are still issues to be dealt with...but again, God is sovereign and they will work out. Things always do in some way. :)

If I didn't have such a grasp on the fact that God doesn't make mistakes, I would be pretty positive that He really meant for me to be on earth at least a hundred years ago rather than right now. I have been told more than once that I have an "old soul" and the idea of exploring new frontiers and not being in a such a time/task oriented culture has always appealed to me. To have life be far more simple...hard work, but not as complicated. Some call me a "dreamer", some just call me strange. Regardless, I know what I read in Acts and there it tells me that God placed me in this exact place at this exact time for His purposes...so alas, He has not made a mistake.

However, if He had meant for me to live even 2,000 years ago, then the decision that is hanging over my head would be much easier. All I would have to do is cast some lots and go with whatever they said. I wonder why that method of decision making ever disappeared...I'm sure there is some deeply theological reason for it...but some days, I really wish it were still in existence. :) For instance, in my situation...I have literally written out the pros and cons...and if you ignore either column, it would be an easy decision to make, but when considering both of them, the decision is weighty and difficult. And sometimes I curse my determination (also known as stubbornness in many cases!)...I don't like to disappoint, but in this case, I cannot make everyone happy; someone will be disappointed. So where do we draw the line? We've only been given so many hours in the day...we've only been given enough strength and grace for one day at a time.

I was put on earth to bring glory to God...and with all I am and in all I do, I long to do that. It's just that sometimes, the right decision isn't clear...even when nearly everyone in your life tells you the same thing, there is still that nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, that's not what God is really saying. Again, if only casting lots was still around. Life would be much easier at this particular junction. :)

Tomorrow is D-Day for me (decision day)...and there are no lots to cast. And only 12 more hours to decide. God is good and will get the glory regardless...I just wish I knew how that was going to be. :) Ha, I guess we'll know in the morning!

Today is my very favorite day of the whole year...the first day of Autumn. Of course, it means much more back home where the weather feels more "fallish", but in a few weeks, it will hit down here with stunning beauty. And with the coming of Fall is Thanksgiving...just around the corner. After spending this season in Senegal for two years, where there is no "autumn", but just continued unbearable hot weather, it has become all the more loved.

Tonight we are having a First Day of Autumn celebration at our house. It's becoming an annual thing for me to throw this little get together. Complete with hot chocolate and pumpkin pie and lots of other yummies.

This is the first pumpkin pie I have made so far this year...and when I was making it this afternoon, I remembered a time in the not so distant past when I lived in Senegal and was craving pumpkin pie something fierce (it was around Thanksgiving time)...so we asked our maid if there was anywhere we could buy a pumpkin (since obviously Libby's doesn't make it to Senegal). She brought one home (we never did find out where she got it...nor did we ever see another one!)...and I, for the first time in my life, made a pumpkin pie from scratch. It was a beautiful thing...and tasted rather wonderful (even if I do say so myself, but my tastebuds probably would have settled for anything at that point!). So this afternoon when I was making pumpkin pie, I thanked God for the States and the easy access of Libby's pumpkin in a can. :) Then about 5 minutes later when I was cleaning up, I sliced my finger on the can and nearly passed out...after I recovered I wasn't so sure that my next pumpkin pie won't be made from scratch!

I love autumn...and I think it is a thing that should be celebrated...so I do. So, to all reading, thanks...and Happy First Day of Autumn to you. :) Enjoy it!! We are blessed to have this lovely season.

So today one of my students asked me if I would come over after school. He's sweet. Quite the little gentleman, really. So I looked at him and said, "My dear Pierre (yes, that is his name!), I would love to come over, but you know what? I am the biggest geek. Do you know what I do each night after I leave school? I go to the library and I study until about 10pm." He just looked at me with a sad face and said, "Miss Page, you're not a geek." Yep, he's a bright spot in my days.

But I officially feel like the biggest geek on campus. Know why? Here I am, Friday night at 7pm and I am sitting in the library studying. Now, that may not seem so bad and it didn't to me until I took a look around the library. You guessed it, I'm the only person in here save the librarian.

Therefore, I think I truly do win the biggest geek award. :)

In the past several months, various people have told me that the God of the Old Testament is not a kind God...He's different than the God of the New Testament. I have disagreed with them and tried to point out a few of the ways that God in the Old Testament shows His compassion, love, kindness, and all the other qualities that we see and know so well from the Old Testament. As much as I would love to sit here and write all these out to share them with you, I simply don't have the time. But this has been particularly brought to light to me due to two events: 1) Learning the Biblical Narration method this summer which tells the whole Bible through stories so people can get to know the character of God throughout the entire Bible and see it as a whole, rather than two totally separate books and 2) I am taking a class right now that is called Genesis to Song of Solomon. It's an amazing class where I get to read all those books and do a lot of outside research into them. (Hence MANY late nights at the library!)

So here is what I have boiled it down to in my mind for sake of time...the Bible is ONE book, it tells God's story from Creation to the End...the God of the Old Testament is the same God that is in the New Testament. We are told in the Bible that God does not change...therefore, He has not changed throughout ALL of time, Old Testament and New Testament included. He has not grown up or matured, He's God. If you disagree with me or just think I am utterly sleep deprived, I beg you to get in touch with me and sit down with me sometime to have an open chat...I love to read the Bible with others, and I'm still learning myself...but I know that this one thing is true--God is God...yesterday, today, and tomorrow...the same...and I just want others to see it, too.

My heart aches to see the ignorance of us "Christians" in America. I am speaking very much to myself in this. I am utterly ignorant of the Old Testament, hence the reason I am taking the class and learning about it. But it doesn't require taking a class, it simply requires reading the book for yourself. And I'm serious, get in touch, we'll dialogue openly about it. I love questions and have a ton myself. :)

So there it is...I hope I am not being too harsh...I just think the Old Testament and New Testament together give us a beautiful picture of God's character that is disfigured when we only consider the New Testament. Think about it...consider it for real. I challenge you. :)

So sometimes in life you just have to make up your mind that you ARE indeed going to push through something...even if everyday is pretty rotten...I learned this little thing while in Senegal from my good friends Cori and Phil called "mind over matter". So after a tough breaking point the other night, I realized that sometimes we just have to suck it up, recognize that the situation might not get any better, and make up your mind to find joy in the days regardless...so I guess I'm not where I would like to be in life, really...but I feel that for now, I am where God wants me. And in my life, that's really all that matters to me...if I'm where He wants me, I figure I can take anything, even when He gives too much...because all I can do then is lean into Him...He's all I have. He's had me in a similar place before...and if I survived that mess with His guiding hand, I believe He'll carry me through anything...haha, despite my lapses in faith and many tears. :) He's good...even when life stinks.

It's a positively beautiful day outside. My Hawks are playing today. But its utterly cold in this library where I sit working on homework that I have fallen behind on and wondering where I should go to do my laundry. I was thankful for the morning...I got to sleep in. I forgot just how much I look forward to Saturdays when I have to teach all week.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21

Sometimes people talk about the "will of God" and being in it. But the question that is running through my mind lately is how do you know when something hard is God's will that you just need to push through or when it is just you being too prideful and stubborn to admit that you cannot do it. There is a difference between stubbornness and perseverance...but it is a fine line and I seriously wonder on which side of it I am walking.

The rhythms of Africa are constantly beating in my heart....but in this last day or two, there has finally been a rhythm to my life. The last week or so has been rough and seemingly chaotic, to put it nicely...but today I felt it. A rhythm that makes this new position in life bearable. Mostly because it was simply a rhythm of some sort...and that, my friends, is a highly treasured thing. I just pray that the rhythm continues to be there...even if its not one that beats with my heart.

Thanks for your prayers. Please keep them coming.

I watched her from afar…
Frustrated tears streaking down her cheeks.
A visible pain in her heart.
A look of vulnerability in her eyes, which betrays the distance she keeps.
Stuck in a lonely prison that seems so dark.
Wondering if she will ever feel the cool breeze of joy on her face again.

When did your course lead to the downward spiral you are on?
When did the walls go up that you fight so hard to keep?
(Even though it’s clear you want them brought down.)
Where has your hope gone?
Has it left you all alone?
Abandoned you in this storm?

Chin up, sad girl.
Hope is just around the corner.
Smile, lonely girl.
Love is here.
Feel free, child.
Cry your heart out into His chest.
He is strong enough.
His arms will hold you tight.
His words will ease your pain.
And His grace will be sufficient for you.
In all your days.

It's Saturday...no getting up before the sun...no managing of many children...or even being in the school. It is a quiet day of homwork and Panera (thanks to the internet being down at school). By God's grace alone, I made it through the week...every moment asking not that it be easy but that He would simply meet me there. And He did.

As I went through the week, I found myself often homesick for Senegal. The place where I knew how things worked, I knew everyone there, I felt loved, and I knew what to expect (to some extent). So last night, when I finally allowed myself some downtime, I was reading through some things I had written in the past few years...just thought I'd share a few of these with you... obviously, these are from when I was leaving....

"As I have been back in this place (Senegal), I have been living in these moments of saying goodbye…I have breathed in Africa like a sweet fragrance that I will not forget….etched forever in my mind…its rhythms beating in my heart. All in slow motion, yet my time is now gone. Memories are my gift…ever with me…ever playing themselves in my mind."

"You have echoed with my laughter,
You have nearly drown in my tears,
You have been a fire for this shapeless piece of metal.

I am leaving you soon,
You who I have come to love,
You who found a place in my heart."

First Day. Oh, what feelings those words evoke. Fear, excitement, eager anticipation, nervousness...and the list goes on. Well, today was my first day on the job as a third grade teacher...and the words "first day" bring a whole new list of words to my mind...none of which I will write here...I am trying to remain positive. All I can say at this point is that I am utterly thankful for my dear buddy from back home who called me and got an earful. So many thoughts and feelings at this point...none of which are appropriate to share here. I'm sure it will get better. If you think on it, though, send up a prayer for me in the coming weeks...or a couple prayers...things are off to a rough start. Thanks much.

Labor Day has taken on a whole new meaning this year...instead of a day away from my labors, it has been a day to dig in with all my might. :) Tomorrow I will again be known as "Miss Page" to many young children as I make an attempt to teach them about Science and Social Studies. A friend of mine was looking through the textbook we use for SS and was laughing...this is truly going to be a cultural experience...I will be teaching all about South Carolina for the entire year. And the book is of course written from a southerner's perspective. ;)

So yesterday was $1 entrance to the State Museum...some buddies of mine and I went sort of in honor to get me prepped for what I will be teaching, but more so just because it was a $1 Sunday. Come to find out, there are several things you can do for a $1 on the first Sunday of the month here in Columbia. It's quite a lovely tradition and I think makes up for the "Blue Law" issue I ran into last week. :)

I guess this is what its all about...getting into the culture, learning the lingo, and just doing life. I have a feeling interesting times are ahead. Some days, I think Dakar was an easier "shift" than this has been on many levels. :)