I passed understanding a long, long time ago
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful

I keep wanting you to be fair
But that’s not what you said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But that’s not what you said
-"What I Thought I Wanted" by Sara Groves

Nearly every morning, Cori and I walk out our front door at 7am or just before or after. For the past few months, it has been pitch black out at that time in the morning, so we fumble to lock the door and grope our way cautiously down the stairs into the cool morning air. As we are feeling our way down the stairs, I think in the back of our minds is the hope "Please don't let me fall...my lesson plans aren't ready for someone else to teach from!" When I came here in August, I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew exactly where my life was going. Of course, things never stay that way for long, and indeed they didn't. Now I am a little more than 3 months from going home and I have no idea what I want or what God wants. I have no idea what the next step is and I feel as if I have no leading anymore. I feel like I do every day when I walk down those steps in the dark...groping my way around in this darkness, trying to feel out the next step so as not to fall. I'm amazed at how things can happen that make everything so unclear from what one really thought God wanted. Have I lost heart? Maybe. Have I given up? Not this time. What will I do next? I have no idea. But I do know that I will live this day and make the best of the situation because that's all I can do. And in the days following I will do the same. What I thought I wanted...what I got instead...leaves me broken...and peaceful? I'm not sure I'm to that point yet...but I pray that soon I will be. I don't like groping in the dark. But I guess its part of trusting God for the next step. It feels ungraceful...yet its full of grace.